Being morbidly obese is an interesting conundrum. On the one hand, there are times when I barely even realize I’m so overweight. I’ve become so accustomed to adapting my actions to my size and avoiding things that make me face down my problem (like mirrors and dating, etc.) that there are days when I barely even acknowledge my situation.
Then there are other days. When I feel like I’m suffocating in my own fat. When I feel the heavy of weight of it draining me both physically and emotionally. When I want to walk a little faster or don’t want to walk all the way to the other end of the building for the elevator and I take the stairs, only to become very well aware of my lack of fitness and overall dis-ease with accomplishing even the most mundane of daily activities.
Today? Today I feel like I’m drowning in fat. I can’t breathe (both physically and emotionally).
Today I am sick of it!
My scale this morning listed a weight within 5 pounds of my highest ever. How is it that I find myself all the way back at the beginning?
Highest ever? 335
My go-to emotion here is sadness.
My emotion today? Anger. Disgust. Determination. Indignation.
Enough is enough. Seriously. I wasn’t meant to live this way. No one was. I was meant for something better. We all are.
Now, before you go getting concerned that I might harm myself (I just reread that and it sounded a little sketchy), I’m not suicidal. I’m just not willing to live one more day without giving my all to changing this. If I give my all and I still end up in this place, well, then I’ll be ok with it (or rather, I’ll have to learn to be ok with it). HOWEVER….I can no longer just sit back and watch my life play out without participating more fully. And, being a firm believer in physics 🙂 if I give my all, something will have to change. Right?