Rock Bottom

Are any of you watching the newest season of The Biggest Loser? I’m just getting caught up on the first episode tonight. I have to say that so far it is quite moving for me. I can really relate to where these people are at in their lives. So many of them have lost themselves in the minutia of their lives. Now they find themselves at their “rock bottom”, struggling to find their way back to some semblance of who they used to be. They have fallen so far from their former selves and who they see themselves being that they are barely recognizable to themselves, embarrassed, and ashamed.

I feel their pain. This past month has been a particularly difficult one for me. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had an uncomfortable conversation with a stranger at the theater. I also had some other things happen, that while they weren’t all negative, have me really thinking about where I am and what I want for my life. A dear friend and former trainer reached out to me and offered some options for learning more about the mental side of what I’m dealing with. Unfortunately, I simply don’t have the financial resources set aside right now to participate in the program she suggested. I was, however, so very touched and moved by her sweet call and her concern for me. I love you Natalie! I went to a running seminar. I struggled to bring myself to go to the seminar, literally driving around the block six times before shoring up the courage to go inside–but I wanted to go because I knew that there would be some information shared that would be relevant to me–even at my current weight and fitness level. Sadly, as the Q&A portion of the night moved along, the speaker and one of the trainers in attendance were arguing a point about how to handle a particular training scenario with someone who is large. They were getting nowhere and so the speaker looked at me and asked if he could use me as an example. I really didn’t mind, but it put me on the spot and left me feeling insecure and vulnerable. It was hard and very embarrassing. My last doctor appointment was odd and we spent quite a bit of time talking about my weight and why things just aren’t changing for me. That’s all the detail I’ll share about that, but all-in-all this has been a rough month. My ego is in intensive care.

So what I’m struggling with is where do I go from here. What do I do?

One thing that I have strong convictions about is that God is real, we are His children, and He wants what is best for us. I also believe that we have to go through struggles in our lives in order to learn the things that we need to know in order to become who He would have us be. I know that this unhealthy, insecure person is not who I really am or who He wants me to be. I know that He will help me find my way and that it may not be the next thing that I do, but that I will get there–and I have a strong feeling that it will be happening sooner than later. I’m having to rely on this belief and promptings from Him as I am completely at a loss right now as to what I need to do next.

As I sit here watching The Biggest Loser, thought, I’ve heard them use the phrase, “finding their inner athlete,” or “find your inner athlete” and I can’t help but relate everything that they are saying to my own circumstance and situation. I am, after all, findingmyinnerathlete.com.

I’ve been reading a book this weekend that was recommended by my sister-in-law and I’m thinking it might be the thing that I need to try next. I am, however, going to finish reading the book completely and talk to my Dr. about it tomorrow before I make a final decision.

Whatever happens, I refuse to give up.

Thanks for your support!

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One response

  1. Teresa, You are amazing. Truly amazing. And beautiful, and really smart, and strong, and courageous, and kind, and really funny, and beautiful….oh, and you’re also REALLY BEAUTIFUL! Plus, i love the way you express yourself and describe things with the written word. I was checking your blog hoping there would be a new post for several days and weeks, sometimes more than once a day, and then I didn’t check anymore and you slipped this one in. I wish I would have read it on the day you wrote it, but am super glad I read it today. I love it. And I love you.

    We are so much the same in many ways and different in enough ways to create interest and be good friends. Your friendship is a gift and a treasure to me. This weight struggle/battle/war is one way we are the same and I read my thoughts and some of the pain in my own heart in your words. I don’t know what to do either. My other friend Teresa has lost 70 pounds and looks fantastic. I am very happy for her and for everyone else who manages to do that thing I feel is impossible. Sometimes I do NOT feel it is impossible and I have hope and then I don’t follow through with any plan and nothing changes. I too would love to figure out the mental component to this and also do not have the financial means to do that.

    So, we will do it anyway.

    We can.

    I looked briefly at the book you are reading. It looks good. How is it going? It looks similar to the Lean and Free 2000 Plus program from a long time ago. Do you remember that one? The Dana Thornock one? I have known for years that is the answer. I bought the book, the cookbook, the tapes, the exercise video…. I KNOW it is the answer. I feel it. And I don’t do it. I knew it was the answer back during the Phen/Fen phase, which is why I did not do that. I did not do the Lean and Free thing either. I sort of did…. and I sort of lost weight. 🙂

    Teresa, you have worked harder at this than anyone I know. You have amazed me over and over again. You can do this. You are strong. You are smart. I don’t know what is holding either one of us back and I am certain there is a psychological component. We just can’t give up. We can conquer this. We can. We will figure this out. You will figure this out.

    I believe in you.

    And I really, really love you.

    And I’m with you.

    Always.

    M ~

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