Change.  I’ve heard for years that the only thing one can count on is change.  It happens to each of us every day.  There is construction on our regular route to work.  A neighbor moves. Another neighbor moves in and the dynamic of the community changes.  And don’t even get me started on all of the changes that happen in the workplace over the lifetime of a career.  The sheer magnitude of it is frightening.

So, why am I ruminating on change today?  Perhaps it is because I haven’t seen nearly enough change in some important areas of my life over the past 25 years.  Perhaps it is because things need to change and I’m scared.  Yes, scared.  Terrified in fact.  My life is basically a good life.  I love so many things about it.  I love that I have a wonderful job that allows me to take care of myself and gives me the opportunity to work with amazing people. I love that I get to live in a beautiful home and that it is in close enough proximity to my family that I can maintain a close relationship with each of them.  I love that I get the blessing of having so many amazing friends!  When I stop to think about the people who bless my life, I can can hardly contain my emotion. And I love that I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ to bless and strengthen me every day.

Yes, my life is all of these great things.  But there are other things.  Things hidden in the cracks of my life that cause me a lot of anxiety.  I’m in debt.  I’m overweight.  I’m starting to see the effects of inactivity and poor eating choices take a toll on my health.  Even in that statement it is easy to see that I’m hiding from the truth. I’m not “starting” to see this, My health has been at risk for two decades.  But I know how to deal with life in this body.  I know what to expect.  I’ve steeled up my reserves against the sideways glances.  I’ve come terms with the fact that sometimes my appearance negatively affects my respectability at work or in social situations.  I’ve convinced myself that the only reason men don’t want to date me is because I’m fat and unattractive, when somewhere deep inside I’m grateful for the excuse because as long is there is the fat I won’t have to face the fact that people won’t like me just because….they don’t like me. Its not me–its the fat.  Why is it that I’m able to deal with the unknown or changes in other areas of my life, but when it comes to health, fitness, and relationships I’m paralyzed to make any real change?

Change needs to happen.  I’m tired of being safe.  I’m tired of sitting back and watching others live the life I want and then feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I don’t matter as much as they do.  The fact is, the only that has determined that I don’t matter as much as the next guy is me.  Intellectually I know I matter.  Spiritually I have felt God’s love and I know He loves me.  The only one that matters that has thought over these past 20 years that I don’t matter is me.

I need to get over the fear.  I need to be willing to step out of the shadows and take a chance.  If I fail, I fail.  It doesn’t make me less. Not acting isn’t protecting me from anything.  It is keeping me from living the happy and fulfilled life that I deserve.  Fear is killing my dreams.  Fear has changed who I am and it is about time that I decide who I am.

I’ve been bumping up against the need for this change for several years now.  I’ve made some valiant efforts only to find myself back in the same pattern of failure and self-sabbotage. So how do I effect this change that I want so badly.  How do I step out of the habits and failures of the past, and the fear of all of the unknown that comes with it and embrace this change that I need so badly?

I’m not ready to give up.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly. ~Proverb

2 thoughts on “Change

  1. I love this post. Once again you have mirrored my own thoughts, feelings, fears…. and you said it so well. I am sitting on the edge of my seat watching with anticipation at what is about to happen. That is not meant to be anxiety producing or to add pressure to succeed. It’s just hope. Anticipation of the possibilities. Gathering courage to follow you on the path of change. You matter to so many. And in countless ways. You matter to me. I’m with you whether the big change happens or whether it doesn’t. I love you exactly the way you are. Today. That is one thing that will not change.

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